Date Posted: 3/25/2012 6:11:06 AM
Posted By: luvinski Membership Level: Bronze Total Points: 45
I have finally begun to talk about my alcoholism openly and honestly and it has been a key to my survival and my sobriety. I am not using a program other than will power and faith but for most alcoholics a program is vital and necessary. Being open and honest about my problem was the very first baby step towards what i hope to be an alcohol free long and full life.Battling alcoholism isn't easy, in fact, for the alcoholic it is one of the most difficult battles they must face. I should know because I have been fighting the battle for years. For today I am sober and that is what I cling to. For the person who isn't an alcoholic it is difficult for them to understand the alcoholic’s mind set, why they do the things that they do. For the alcoholic, it is hard to talk about, much less describe the things that drive them again and again down into the amber hole. The best thing I have found, a new key to my sobriety, is talking about it openly. This is not an easy thing to do. I would spend days on a bender, never realizing how much hell i was wreaking in my life and my families' life. If I had to sit and think about everything I have thrown away through the years it would probably break me. I am firmly convinced that I was trying to kill myself, slowly, one drink at a time. I was already predisposed to depression and without realizing it I was driving myself even further down into a black hole of depression. I assure you it wasn't intentional. It was just so easy to shut everything out when I was out of my mind drunk. If only I could have had a video of myself I’m sure I would have quit much sooner than I did. Luckily it wasn't too late, for many alcoholics this, sadly, isn't the case.I am not using a program, but most do. I am doing this by my own will power, the power to live. To live without the clouded judgment that alcohol gives you when you are drinking. A program, for most alcoholics is necessary, and I promised myself and my family that if I couldn't do it alone I would get therapy. I have eliminated all sources of triggers. Friends that I used to drink with, places I used to hang out at, things I used to do while drinking have all been removed from my circle of acquaintances. This was no easy task and it didn't happen over night. I started first by ending a friendship with another self-destructive alcoholic that was also my best friend. Her self-destructiveness fed my own and we were fuel to each other. Then I eliminated, one-by-one, any friend that was even remotely associated with alcohol. The next thing I did and do is make a list everyday of things I need to do to keep me busy. I found that much of my drinking stemmed from having far too much time on my hands. I keep a running to do list of everything from deep cleaning, to practicing my guitar and pretty much anything I can think of that will help to keep my mind from slipping back to that thought of, “I need a drink.” One of the things that has been on my list and I do as often as I can is go to church on Sundays and bible studies on Wednesdays. Mind you, I am not a religious person, but my husband found a church called Calvary that is centered on our first love, music. It helps give me a purpose, twice a week, to have a positive place to go. This is only a beginning for me. My battle will be life-long and I will always be an alcoholic. There is no such thing as a recovering alcoholic. Yes, we may be in recovery, but there is no cure. For today I am sober. For tomorrow it is my goal to remain sober and that is all the further I chose to think. Anything more than that is just too hard. This was hard for me to talk about so if you have an alcoholic in your family, or you are one, keep in mind that it is never easy to discuss our failings in life. Just try to be open, that is truly the first step, at least it was for me.
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